So, What Was That All About?

So, what was that all about? That's a question I find myself asking from time to time in respect of my transgendered life. I'm referring in particular to those times when I experience what I usually refer to as a "crash". It seems to me that most trans women have gone through this sort of event to varying degrees and it can manifest itself in different ways. For me, it comes as a feeling of being totally disconnected from my trans self and leaves me with a strong desire to get as far away from the whole business as possible. Thankfully, (for me anyway) it usually only lasts for a matter of days before things are back to their usual state.

The latest episode started a few days ago when I woke up on Monday morning with a terrible sense that something was badly wrong. To be honest, the signs were starting to appear on Sunday evening but I had put it down to a general sense of weariness at the end of the day. However, by the following day it was bad and I was left wishing the whole trans thing would just go away and leave me alone. The nearest thing I can compare it with is probably depression, although in a very narrow sense. The rest of my life was just fine and I was able to get on quite happily with everything else, apart from wanting to be a woman.

Gradually things have returned to normal although it's only today (Friday) that I've been able to sit down and actually write about it. But the mystery remains, and that is just what does cause it - hence the title of this blog. Sometimes I am aware of an event that I am sure was the cause. Such events can include the come-down after spending a period of time as Susan or perhaps as simple as just the wrong thing said to me. The strange thing is that there is no guarantee that I will react in the same in an identical set of circumstances. So at the end of the day I lump them all together and put it down to the fact that I lead something of a dual life.

After all my transgendered status can be fairly accurately described as dual-role. But that leaves the small matter of what to do about it. As far as I can see I have three choices, all of them carrying plus and minus points.

 

1. Give it up.

This is a simple solution. Stop cross dressing or indeed any kind of transgendered activity. I would close down any online activities as Susan, say goodbye to everyone I’ve met as a result of being female and dispose of all my clothes and anything else connected with it. I could then put it all behind me and regard it as a period of my life that was interesting.

Yeah, right……..that’s going to work, isn’t it? I’ve had these feelings since the age of about 14 and there not about to go away. Most trans women will tell you that it is not possible in away way to rid yourself of the need to be female. Indeed, the general consensus is that the older you get the stronger the feeling. And that has certainly been my experience. What’s more, I suspect that the emotional effect on me would be far worse if I tried to suppress my feelings than any temporary “crash”. So as far as I’m concerned giving it up is a complete non-starter.

 

2. Go full-time.

This is something that most trans women think about; indeed, for some of us it can be a matter of pre-occupation and is something that I’ve given a lot of thought to. Although the idea of living full time as a woman, (even without medical intervention) has its attractions, I do have deep concerns about the overall effect it would have on my life. The great unknown for many of us is how our friends and family would take the news of our transition.

For myself I have a fairly small circle of both friends and family but they are very important to me. My best guess is that I could well end up losing most, if not all of my friends if I became Susan full time. It could be said if that is the case then they are not worth having as friends, but I don’t regard it as that simple. In spite of my strong female feelings, I still have a need for my male side and those friendships are an integral part of it.

Allied with this is the likelihood of making friends amongst other trans women or even female at birth (FAB) women. I have been very lucky to have made a few very good friends in the TG community over the last few years. But quite honestly I’ve generally found it very difficult to do so and other friends in the community have had similar experiences. By its very nature ours is a fairly closeted community and so the actual numbers living out in the everyday world is limited. There are plenty of course in and around the “TG scene” in clubs and other dedicated groups. But considering that I live in the most populated port of England I have found it very difficult to find and make friends with other trans women who are actually living their lives as women, even on a part-time basis.

As for family it has been clear to me from the experiences of others that it is very difficult to predict what the reaction would be. My best guess is that there would be some who would accept it without any problem, whilst there would be some who would be horrified. But what would concern me the most is the potential for it to cause rifts within the family. To me that would be totally unacceptable.

So taking all of this into account I don’t feel that transition to full time is an option for me at present. Of course situations and feelings don’t stay the same and at the back of my mind I harbour a hope that one day I will if and when the circumstances are right for me.

 

3. Stay the same

Or in other words carry on part time as at present and deal with the “crashes” as and when they happen. This might sound like the path of least resistance and that is probably very true. But life is one long experience and we build upon those experiences. Ten years ago my dressing and experiences of being a woman were very sparse. But in that time I’ve built up those experiences and hopefully learnt a lot. I’m now doing things that I would never have dreamt of even a few years ago.

 

So to conclude, I’ll carry on as I am and just deal with what arises, distressing as it can be. Those of you who have been here will know how I feel. For those of you who haven’t had this experience I can only hope and wish that it stays that way.

 

Thank you for reading this.

Susan