Retrospect - Leaving the Closet Behind -1

Where I was.........

Towards the end of my previous "Retrospective" Blog I explained how I was getting frustrated with my fears of being too close to other people whilst out and about, or as I put it, I felt I was not so much out of the closet but rather I was taking the closet with me.

Reedham Ferry, Norfolk

The photo here of me at Reedham Ferry in Norfolk in August 2011 is a perfect example of what I mean. This particular weekend I had stayed at a hotel and left in the morning as Susan. This was a first for me and I had really been nervous walking out of my room and past reception. But I had done it and was feeling really proud of myself. But, that was it. At every other point in my travels that day I took good care to avoid any kind of contact with any human being. It might have looked to be the easiest thing in the world to walk the short distance to the ferry behind me and cross over the river. But nothing in the world at that point would have possessed me to do it.

This state of affairs was really starting to annoy me and I knew I had to face up to it if I was to get anything like the enjoyment and satisfaction I was seeking as a woman. But August drifted into September and then October with little sign of me being able to break out of this situation.

Looking for an answer.........

In late October I was chatting online to a good TGirl friend and I was sharing with he my frustration with my progress. She offered a piece of advice that I didn't take up straight away but it gave me something to think about. Her advice was quite simple - start with something simple. She suggested that I should visit a branch of Marks and Spencer, walk in and buy something small such as a pair of tights. She assured me that I would find that no one would pay any special attention to me as most people in the shop would be more interested in going about their own business. Of course Marks and Spencer have a reputation in the UK of being very TG friendly as their staff are trained in dealing with members of our community. In the event I didn't take up her advice at this point but it did make me think a lot about it and I began to realise that I could make the move that I desired.


What I did do was get in touch with an old friend who had been going out a lot by herself and to all sorts of places, including some very public. We'd known each other for about two years and had met on a couple of occasions. At that time Jane was as experienced as I was with the outside world but with the help of a very supportive spouse she had stepped into the outside world and had really made it her own. So I was hopeful that she might be able to give me a little help and encouragement. We quickly made arrangements to visit a National Trust Garden property in Surrey and fixed a date for a coming Saturday.

Preparing.........



Ashdown Forest

However, as the time approached I felt unhappy about loading too much responsibility on Jane for getting me out more and really felt that I should be doing more for myself. So, on the Thursday, two days before our day out, I went out by myself with the intention of trying to do some more on my own.

Initially I headed to Ashdown Forest, which is a place I've visited many times before. After a stop for some photos (and shoot a couple of videos) I then decided to head for a local garden centre. I can remember now just how tense I was walking from the car park and then imagine my horror when I saw that the cafe near the entrance was packed with a large group of motorcyclists.

But by now I felt I had reached the point of no return so I walked straight past them and realised they had paid me no attention. So I had a wander around for a while before leaving, going past my group of non-attentive  motorcyclists. Those motorcyclists will never know just how much they helped a TG with her going out in public on that day.

From here I decided to visit a nearby church for some sightseeing. Church architecture, particularly English Gothic, has long been an interest of mine and I always like to take the opportunity to visit somewhere I've never been before. Near to Ashdown Forest is Withyham Church which I had tried to visit some before but on that occasion had found the car park locked. This day however it was open and I felt it was a good day to visit. Of course being mid week you'd have expected it to be deserted. So I was surprised to find a party of visitors being shown around inside. But, this was supposed to be a day of "meeting the public" so in I went. At least it meant that a church which is often locked was actually open.

I was generally left to wander around by myself, which is how I like to view old churches, regardless of which mode I'm in. However, towards the end of my visit one an elderly man who had been showing some of the other visitors around came up to me and asked if I needed any help at all. It wasn't an easy situation for a TGirl trying to get over being in company, especially when your voice is the thing you feel least confident about. But somehow I muddled through and satisfied him that I didn't need any help.

My last stop of the day was another garden centre, although somewhat closer to home and larger than the one I had visited earlier. It was also one that I had visited many times before in male mode. As I approached the main door of the centre a female member of staff held the door for me. As she did I noticed she gave me a long quizzical stare. Well, I could probably guess why but the great thing was that it didn't bother me. I was getting to know that one of the important things about being in the outside world was being able to deal with the reactions we get. So, if she had read me then OK, she has to deal with it. I have a right to be there.

I enjoyed my wander around this garden centre far more than I had my earlier one. I was more relaxed now and by the time I left to go home I felt I had accomplished something very important during the course of the day. Now I was really looking forward to my day out with Jane.

Winkworth with Jane.........



Jane and me at Winkworth Arboretum

Wiukworth Arboretum is a National Trust property in Surrey, not far from Guildford. It's a lovely place for a walk in the country in pleasant surroundings although being close to major towns and this being a Saturday it was sure to be moderately busy. We were also hoping to enjoy some autumn colours although by now it was mid November and we'd probably missed the best of it.

I had agreed to meet Jane in the car park about midday but as I was running early I stopped of at a woodland car park on the way to give my boots a try. I'd had a lot of problems with them in the past and I was trying some new socks with them to make them easier on my feet. After a brief walk about I was happy with them and so it was on to Winkworth.




My Walking Outfit

Jane was already there when I had arrived and had got the tickets for us. So in we went and enjoyed our afternoon's walk. From the point of view of being a Tgirl there's not much too add. We were just two women enjoying a visit to a lovely garden and woods, just like so many others that day. As we expected, the autumn colours were rather diminished although as the photos show there was still some to enjoy.

Following our walk we headed back to the tearooms for some well deserved refreshment. Whilst there both Jane and I felt, separately, that we'd been read. But really, that has to be their problem. There was one amusing episode whilst we were enjoying our tea when one of the male staff who was clearing the tables started to chat to us. Jane and myself made our best efforts with what female voices we had and he certainly showed no reaction. Actually, he was quite pleasant and it was rather nice to be chatted to under the circumstances.

So, by the end of a lovely day out I was feeling on top of the world as far as being Susan was concerned and I knew that in a relatively short space of time I had made a lot of progress and was feeling far more self-confident.

Now it was time to build on this, more to come.........


Thank you for reading this

Susan XXX