Retrospect - Leaving the Closet Behind -8

Jubilee Art in Eastbourne

As anyone in the UK will be aware, 2012 marked the Diamond Jubilee of the Queen and of course many events were organised around the country to mark this occasion. One that caught my eye early on was organised by the local BBC Television channel in the South East of England. They invited viewers to submit photographs that had personal significance. These would then be used by a local artist to create a mosaic portrait of the Queen. In the event over 5000 photos were sent in and this was enough to create two mosaics. One of them was of the Queen at the time of her coronation and the other present-day.

For more information have a look at this link: www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-17516843


At the end of May 2012 the mosaics were on display at the Towner Gallery in Eastbourne and I decided to not only visit but to do so in my female persona. The gallery is located in a quite part of Eastbourne on the western side of the town. It is close to Queens Park where the annual eve of Wimbledon tennis event takes place. In fact on the day of my visit contractors were working behind the gallery erecting the stands for the upcoming tournament.

The gallery is fairly modern and I soon found the exhibit in a dedicated room on the ground floor. The mosaic itself covered one entire wall of the room and I did find it very impressive. At a distance you were presented with two portraits but close up it was a myriad of individual photos. If you follow the BBC link above will eventually be taken to a website where you can view the mosaic online and be able to zoom in on the individual photos.

There was one disappointment for me during my visit and the was my selection of outfit. Visiting an art gallery I decided on a very casual outfit which was light brown leggings, a matching floral top and a cardigan. However, looking at the photos I took in the gallery it was evident that there were a number of female visitors who were far better dressed than me. A salutary lesson perhaps for those who advocate "dressing down" in order to blend in when out in public.

Having completed my viewing I spent some time touring the rest of the gallery. The exhibits covered a wide range of types from some very modern stuff through to very traditional. Personally I enjoyed the experience and it bore out what other trans women have said in the art galleries are a lovely place to spend a few hours as your female self.

A Stroll on the Pier

So, having completed my visit I had to decide what to do next. The gallery is about 0.5 miles from the shops in the town centre and I found the temptation too much to resist. Like so many places Eastbourne is somewhere I've been visiting for years, but I'd never been in the shops as Susan and so this seemed a good time to start. It didn't take long to walk there and I was soon immersing myself in my favourite places, including Marks & Spencer for a coffee.

On my way back to the car I detoured via the seafront and went for a walk on the pier. Although we were only a few weeks short of midsummer, it wasn't really the weather for such an activity but I had my raincoat with me in case. After that it was back along the prom to my car. A great day and at the end I felt proud of what I'd done.

Winchester - Cathedral City

Anyone who's followed my adventures here or on Flickr will know that I have a love of old church buildings, be they large or small. This day was one where I would take in visits to a couple at either end of the scale.

Winchester is an ancient site in English terms, being at one time the capital and its cathedral dates back to the 7th century. It's always been a favourite of mine and as a cathedral to visit for the first time as Susan, it was high on my list. So feeling much more confident about being out in public I decided the time had come. For reasons I can't remember I made my visit on a Saturday. This is unusual for me as I prefer weekdays. It might have been due to upcoming poor weather and I was trying to fit it in.

Winchester Cathedral

Whatever the case, Saturday 9th June found me in this great city tentatively making my way to the cathedral. There's not a lot to add other than to say I thoroughly enjoyed it. The staff on reception were very pleasant, although I had to decline their request for gift aid. For those of you outside of the UK this is a facility whereby income tax payers can sign a declaration of the fact and this allows the organisation to claim back the tax element of your admission fee (about 20% I think). The problem for me was that it's a legal document and you have to use your real name. I'm afraid I wasn't about to do that. But to make up for it I did buy a guide book.

After my extensive tour I went to the cathedral refectory for a coffee and then headed to the high street. As I said before it was a Saturday and therefore busy with lots of shoppers. I must confess I felt rather uneasy about this and it was yet another first for me. But it all went off OK and it was amusing to observe the legions of bored husbands/partners hanging around the stores waiting for their respective other halves to finish their shopping. I wasn't bored at all!



Sunshine in Sullington

Soon it was time to leave the city and head back home. On the way I stopped at Alton to do some shopping in Sainsbury's. I made good time and found myself back in Sussex quite early, so I decided to make another church visit. In a previous blog I referred to visiting Chantry Post on the South Downs above Storrington in West Sussex. The name "Chantry" at this location has always intrigued me as the term is an ecclesiastical one dating back to the Middle Ages. The name is not only used for the location on the downs but also in many other places in the locality. Not having been able to find any explanation for it I wondered if a visit to the local churches might help.

One of these is Sullington which is in a tiny village under the downs near Storrington. In fact it is no longer a village as such but a collection of farm buildings, a manor house and the 11th century church. By the time I arrived the weather had really picked up and it had turned into a lovely summer afternoon. The church was interesting but didn't help me at all with the question I wanted answered. In fact a few months afterwards I visited the local museum and no-one there had any idea either.

But whatever the case it was a lovely end to a great day. I'd visited two very different types of church building, been shopping in a very busy city centre on a Saturday afternoon and visited a supermarket too. I couldn't have imagined doing any of this a year before.

Interesting Times in East Kent

The year 2012 was a watershed one in the field of television broadcasting in the UK. It was during this year that the last of the terrestrial analogue transmitters would be closed down and all of of broadcast services in future would be exclusively digital. Although to the vast majority of the population this was a fairly meaningless event, the significance was brought home to me a retired television engineer. He pointed out that it would be the end of a technical system that had served us so well since the 1930s. So as a little tribute to those scientists and engineers who developed it in those far-off days, I decided to post something about it on my Flickr account. Of course I would need a suitable photo to go with it. The most striking thing I felt would be me with the mast of a television transmitting station.

In the area I live in the changeover took place in April 2012. However, the last changeovers in the South of England were scehuled to take place in the latter part of June. Of course the presence of analogue transmissions had no bearing on the photos, but I felt it would be nice to do them as near as possible to the shut down date. The other important factor was the ability to get to a place where I was sure of a good view for the photo. After some checking with maps and Google Earth, I decided to go to the station at Dover in East Kent. As well as the photos, it would be a good place for a day out.

On the way there I stopped at an "outlet" park at Ashford. This type of shopping centre appears to be a recent phenomenon in the UK and usually consists of a collection of specialised fashion shops at an out of town location. The idea is that the larger chain stores use them to sell off lines of clothing that aren't moving in their more conventional stores. Or at least that's how it seems to me.




A Special Dress

In this case I had a very special evening coming up and I wanted a new dress for it. I had in mind what I wanted and hoped that I'd be able to find it here. I was after a shift dress in a striking black and white geometric pattern. My first port of call was the Marks and Spencer shop. They had a lot of stock but nothing to meet my needs. Near to M&S was a branch of Roman Originals and inside I found a dress that might be what I wanted. It was a shift with a black and white pattern although not quite the pattern I had in mind. In addition, there wasn't the rear zipper that I usually expect with a shift. But I decided the only way to make up my mind was to try it on.

I hadn't done this before but I didn't hesitate and there were no problems. The best thing is that having got into the dress I knew straight away it was for me. Although it was quite a snug fit the fabric had enough stretch in it to make it oh so comfortable. And of course it had 1/3 off the original price. So, that was it. One transaction with a friendly shop assistant later and it was mine. That left time for a coffee before heading on to my photo op with the television mast.




Goodbye to All That

Dover television transmitting station is actually located midway between Dover and Folkestone and is about one mile inland from the famous white cliffs. Using Google Earth I'd already selected my position, on the outskirts of the village of Church Hougham. This was far away from the mast to get a good shot of it but still giving a clear view across the fields. According to the maps the Channel Tunnel runs right under the village, just before is turns to the South-East to go under the sea. However, all the time I was there I wasn't aware of hearing the trains, nor had I expected to. The tunnels at this point must be many hundreds of feet below ground level.

The photos were taken without difficulty, although to be honest I could have done with the sun being in a slightly different position. I could have returned later but there was still no guarantee it would be right. In the event I was quite happy with the results.

So, having completed the two objectives of the day I spent the rest of it in the Dover area sightseeing and indulging in photography. The next stop was Dover itself or to be more precise just outside of Dover Castle. In July 1909 Louis Bleriot became the first man to fly the English Channel, taking off from Calais in France and landing at Dover some 36 minutes later. The location of this historic spot near Dover Castle is marked by an aeroplane shaped memorial. Many years ago I attempted to find this memorial but failed miserably. So I felt it was time to have another go.



Here's Where He Landed

This time, armed with information from the web, and assisted by some excellent signposting, I found the car park for the memorial easily.However, for some reason once in the car park there were no signs to the actual memorial. So I headed off through the woods and as luck would have it soon came across the memorial. I was a little concerned as on the way into the car park I had passed a huge mass of foreign students and I was keen to get my photos before they covered the sight and ruined my photos. But I needn't have worried as when I returned to the car park they were busy having a picnic lunch.

The rest of the day was spent visiting various locations in the area, including the White Cliffs Visitor Centre on the cliffs above the harbour. Here you can get a terrific view of the docks and watch the cross-channel ferries coming and going. I also visited St Margaret's Bay, which is one of the closest places to France. Whilst there I stopped off at the Dover Patrol Memorial up on the cliffs above the village. There was then a quick visit to Tescos for a snack and some nail polish remover before heading to my last stop of the day. This was at Samphire Hoe Country Park, between Dover and Folkestone, coincidentally about a mile from my first stop at Church Hougham. This is an area of land on the coast which was created by the disposal of much of the spoil created by the Channel Tunnel. Most of it is now a nature reserve and is a fascinating place to visit. At all of these places I took lots of photos and rather than post them all here, many of them are available on my Flickr Photostream.


With the completion of this blog I have brought my story up to date with the start of my regular postings. These started last summer with "A Special Few Days in Somerset" which I published on 10/7/12. Of course the driving idea behind this particular series was my efforts at leaving the closet behind. So have I been successful? Of course there has been progress and a degree of success. But it's a subject that I feel I need to reflect on and discuss more fully in my next blog.


Thank you for reading this


Susan XXX

Retrospect - Leaving the Closet Behind -7

Next Steps

After what I considered to be a successful couple of days out in Taunton with Lucy & Mandy and then with Sonia, I had to decide where to go from there. It was clear to me that although I had spent a day out in a bust town centre, I had been in company all the time and indeed company of the sort that instills confidence. So I knew I had to do it again but this time on my own.

Before that, there was the matter of bluebells..........

Down amongst the Bluebells

One of the chief delights of a British spring, for me anyway are the bluebells that carpet the floors of our woodlands each year from April through into May. The love of this sight goes back to childhood and even after all these years the sight of this annual delight never fails to move me. There are many places around the country where you can see such beauty each year but one of my favourite places is Angmering Park in West Sussex. This is an area of woodland on the south slopes of the downs near Arundel and is crossed by numerous public paths. Much of the woodland has unrestricted public access and is thus ideal for viewing the bluebells in all their splendour.



Down Amongst the Bluebells

I've visited the area before at this time of year and two years ago saw one of my earliest trips out as Susan. Sadly the occasion was ruined by a pair of ill fitting boots that left me with some nasty blisters on my heels. This time though I had learnt my lesson and my boots were up to the job. However, before going for a tramp in the woods I had to take in a bit of shopping first.

As I explained in an earlier blog, in February I had made my first visit to a branch of Marks & Spencer during a trip to Surrey. Now I was to make another trip but this time to their Shoreham branch in West Sussex. I've lost count of the number of times I've been to this one but this would the first time as a woman. Any nervousness I was experiencing was heightened by the fact that is was relatively local and used by many people I know who have no knowledge of Susan

In the event the visit passed off without problems and I wasn't aware of the presence of anyone I actually knew. Looking back now I can't actually recall what is was specifically I was shopping for but I know I didn't actually buy anything. However, as ever it was pleasant just to spend some time just wandering and browsing amongst the clothes on display.



On the South Downs at Chantry Post

So, then it was on to the woods and the bluebells. There's not a lot to add here other than to say the flowers were beautiful and that my visit passed off without incident, other than getting a little bit lost at one point. But I soon got back on track.  On the way back to the car I came across a foreign lorry complete with a driver who asked me if I knew where a certain property was. Given my lack of local knowledge and not being able to speak his language, whatever it was, there wasn't much I could so for him.

On my home I stopped off at Chantry Post car park on the South Downs above Storrington in order to enjoy the view and of course take some more photos. The day had gone well and this time my feet were still in working order.

Farnham - Solo Around the Shops

As I stated above, although I had a successful and confidence building day out with Lucy and Mandy in Taunton, I knew that the next step was to do it on my own. The day after my bluebell trip in West Sussex, I had to be in Surrey for an evening event and so I decided on the way there to spend some time in Farnham on a solo shopping trip.

Farnham is a typical bustling commuter belt market town with an average sized shopping centre. It does suffer from something of a traffic problem but at least there is a good sized car park close to the shops. Whenever you're doing something new like this the route from the car park to the shops takes on greater significance than usual. Before setting out I found myself consulting Google Earth and rehearsing my walk from the car park to the shops an Street Level. This might sound rather extreme but perhaps it's an indication  of just how apprehensive it is possible to get in such circumstances.




After Going Solo

In the event, with or without Google Earth, I managed to park the car and find my way to the shops without incident. Very soon all fears had had passed and I started to enjoy being out shopping on my own in my chosen gender. I took in all my favourite high street shops and then found a cafe for a coffee break. As I approached the place (a branch of 'Cafe Rouge') I was hit by a feeling of nervousness and for a moment I thought about turning away. I've had this sort of feeling before and, as in the past I overcame it by a combination of anger at the way I felt and determination to do what I really wanted.

Once inside the staff couldn't have been nicer and I had my much needed refreshment. Afterwards I did some more wandering around the she and finished my trip in Boots where I picked up something for my lunch and some items of makeup that I needed. After that it was to the car with an overwhelming feeling of elation at having carried out my first solo shopping trip as Susan.

A Special Shopping Trip

Something that many of us are aware of is the problem of finding shoes. Of course there care many transgendered women who have no difficulty in finding shoes in there size anywhere on the high street and to those who can I offer my congratulations and deepest envy. My own feet are of a size that are towards the top end of sizes available in men's shoes and so I haven't a hope of walking into a shop and finding anything in my size. In one way this works in my favour as it has probably prevented me from amassing a huge collection of footwear. As a man I could never understand who women needed so many different shoes. Now, as a woman I still don't really understand, all that I know is that I love them and would love to own many different styles.

But on the debit side the reality is that I own few pairs and it is extremely difficult to get anything to fit. Of course if you look online, especially on eBay you'll find many women's shoes in larger sizes but almost without exception the heel sizes start about 5 inches and go much higher. This might be OK for tottering around the dance floor at your favourite clubbing venue, but for those of us who desire to go out into the real world they are useless.

Over the years I've tried a few specialist suppliers with differing results. Up until about 5 years ago there was a company in the UK called "Hayway Shoes". They specialised in all sorts of large sized footwear and most of their products came with a choice of heel size and style. I bought a pair of very strappy sandals from them with a nice 1.5 inch heel. I was delighted with them and I still wear them today for special dressy occasions. However, soon afterwards I went to their website to order some more shoes, only to find they'd closed down. Apparently the lease on their factory had run out and they decided to call it a day. That was a shame as I had got the impression that their was a lot of items I could have bought from them.

Another dealer I have used is "Magnus Shoes", of Northampton. They have a wide range of women's styles up to size 12. Sadly though, almost all of their items are in a C fitting. This isn't much help when your feet are on the wide side. I do have a pair of brown slingbacks from them and they are a delight to wear. But unfortunately several other items I've bought from them have proved to be too narrow to be of any use.

Another possible supplier was Evans, who supply large clothing sizes for women both on the High Street and online. At one time they had started to stock size 11 shoes but unfortunately have over the last year cut back on the range to size 10. This was a pity as during the summer I tried a pair of boots on in one of their shops which was supposed to be size 10, two below my size. They almost fitted me and I felt that I was getting close to the stage where I could buy shoes from them in one of their shops.

This, however, led me to have a look at the large woman clothes market and as a result I found "Tall Girls", who are based at Alton in Hampshire. Although most of their range is up to size 11, there are many in size 12 too. They have a showroom which is for appointments only and so I contacted them to book an appointment. I was a little concerned that there was mention of supplying to the TG community, which is something you often see on such sites. However, whilst making the appointment I did enquire and was assured that they were quite happy to do so. It is a bit of a shame there is no mention on their website as I feel the danger exists that some Trans Women might be put off, which would be to the disadvantage of all concerned.

The showroom is located just outside Alton and as is my usual  habit I arrived in very good time for my 2 pm appointment. The day in question was a Tuesday and one of those rare things in 2012, a fine, warm sunny day. So with time to spare I decided to visit Alton town centre and see if I could repeat my solo trip to Farnham of a couple of weeks previously. As it turns out, every Tuesday a street market is held in the town centre and consequently it was very busy. But it was a joy just to wander around the stalls and shops. I took in a coffee and one of the many such shops in the town and came away from the time there feeling as if I'd built on previous experiences. I was aware of a few possible "reads", but I was also aware that they all came from men of a certain age. Was I being checked out? No, surely not............


Some Very Rare Sunshine

After the shops I spent some time sitting in a lovely little park in the town centre. Being a warm fine day and also being lunch time by now it was quite busy. Just to sit there as me and watch the world go by was sheer bliss. Soon it was time to head on to Tall Girls but I still had time to stop in a nearby village for some photos. One of these is included here.

The appointment was very straightforward and I was made to feel very welcome. The lovely woman who looked after me was so helpful and let me try on as many pairs as I liked. One thing I already knew was that my right foot is significantly smaller than my left and this did cause some problems. Some styles that fitted my left foot were too loose on my right. I've since found ways to alleviate this but at this time it did restrict my choice. Nonetheless I was able to find three pairs that I like and came away one very happy woman. Tall Girls? I can't recommend them highly enough.


More to come.........


Thank you for reading this


Susan XXX