Retrospect - Leaving the Closet Behind -3

Well and Truly in the Dark

January in England is a dark month and I decided to take some photos to reflect this. Actually a Flickr contact had posted some photos taken outside in the dark and I was impressed by how striking they were. So, I decided I have to have some of my own.

Fortunately taking photos in the dark is a relatively simple affair. After all, you don't have to worry too much about the surrounding scenery. So for this exercise I selected a location I knew quite well in a country lane not far from where I live. It is in fact a pull-in leading to a farm gate and as the lane sees little traffic, I didn't expect to be disturbed.



Lady Lurking in the Dark

Actually the whole thing was something of a last minute idea. Within less than an hour of deciding to go, I was changed, made up and with the camera and tripod in the car, I was on my way.

The photo session itself didn't take long to complete,which is just as well. Although there was little chance of being disturbed, a woman can still vulnerable on her own in such circumstances. The photo shown here might give the impression of there being a fair amount of light around. But in reality this was purely as a result of the camera's flash or post photographic processing. For most of the time it was very dark.

However, the job was soon done and I was on my way home with a collection of photos that I was very pleased with. And when you think of it, it was an nice and interesting way to spend a winter's evening.

Midhurst Wanderings

I've mentioned in a previous blog that by the end of 2011 I was pleased with the progress I had made but at the same time felt there was so much more to do. One area needing attention was the simple act of walking through a town centre. Of course town centres come in many shapes and sizes so I thought it a good idea to start off with something at the smaller end of the scale. So a few days after my nocturnal photo session, I headed for the town of Midhurst in deepest West Sussex.

Midhurst is a bustling small town on the main Guildford to Chichester Road. One of its major claims to fame are the ruins of Cowdray House. This Tudor country house was burnt down in 1793 and has been kept as a managed ruin since. The fire, and the death of the owner two weeks later were said to be the fulfilment of a prophesy made by a dispossessed monk at the time of the dissolution of the monasteries. The house has had some interesting historical connection including that of a certain Guy Fawkes.


Today it is a peaceful place to enjoy a quite stroll on bright winters day. I started my visit in the main car park and the north end of the high street. For someone as inexperienced and nervous as myself, even the everyday act of getting out of the car in broad daylight and walking to the ticket machine is a huge step. But I managed it, which is just as well. After all no-one wants a parking ticket.

My plan on this day was to walk from the car park along the causeway to the ruins. After this I would skirt around the town centre on footpaths and then head back down through the town to the car park. That way I figured I would only have to undergo a one-way walk along the high street and I would always be heading back towards the car.



Cowdray House Ruins

The land at this end of Midhurst is very low in in a river valley and so the ruins are approached across a causeway from the main road. This proved to be an ideal place for some photos in the bright January sunlight. Unfortunately when it can to get some with the ruins as a background it was in the wrong place. But I still managed some, including the one here. The ruins are open to the public during part of the year although an admission charge is made. However, a visit wasn't part of my plans for today.

From the house I planned to walk by the river and follow a footpath that emerged close to the parish church. Being January I shouldn't have been surprised to find much of the way quite muddy underfoot. But it was and my low heel court shoes were perhaps not the best choice of footwear. But, I pressed on, missed the path I wanted and emerged on the main road further south than I intended. But at least I was back on firm ground, albeit with a muddy pair of shoes.

This part of the town is fairly quiet and I felt quite confident with myself. I did try to go into the parish church but sadly it was locked. No doubt a sign of the times we live in. So I pressed on towards the busy part of the high street. Being late morning it was busy and my overriding concern was how many people would be staring at me and what their reaction would be. The thing was, though that no-one stared or reacted. So after a short distance I started to feel very different with growing confidence.

I found myself looking at the faces of people coming towards me, which is probably not the best idea as you might end up feeling disappointed. But on this occasion no-one seemed the least bit interested in me. I even popped into a charity shop for a look around which is something else I'd never done before as Susan. All to soon I found myself at the bottom of the High Street and back in the car park. I this point caution got the better of me and I decided to quit while I felt I was ahead. I'd felt really boosted by my little walk along Midhurst High Street and I had proved to myself that I could do it without bringing the house down. Now though, I felt in need of some countryside to relax in after my stressful morning.


Under the Old Yew Tree

I headed for Didling which is a tiny hamlet a few miles away. It nestles under the South Downs and apart from a farm and the odd cottage, the only building of note is a tiny 13th century church. Known as the "Shepherd's Church" because of the amount of sheep flocks that used to grace the Downs nearby, it is very much unaltered by time and is still lit by candles. The churchyard and surrounding area allow plenty of lovely photo opportunities and it's a place I'd visited the previous summer for a photographic session.

The peace to be felt inside the building was wonderful and was just what I needed after my morning. Being in a building this old I can't but wonder about those who have within its walls over the previous 800 years. Outside I took plenty of photos around the church and in the lane leading up the the Downs. It was interesting later to compare today's photos with those I had taken six months earlier at the height of summer.

Soon, I headed off home after what had, for me, been a successful day. The closet that had bothered me so much was still there, but I knew I had the determination and ability to step outside if I wished and this was giving me cause to feel optimistic about the future.

Snowdrop Failure

One of the annual delights in our winter (and there's not many of them) is the flowering of snowdrops during the dullest winter period. These delightful little flowers are usually the first to bloom in the new year and are always taken as a sign of better days to come. Naturally this year with my increased excursions into the outside world I was keen to take some photos of myself amongst this year's crop.



Lamberhurst Church

A few years ago I became aware of one of the best displays of snowdrops in this part of the country. The parish church of Lamberhurst in Kent is typical of many English parish churches. However, each winter for a few short weeks the churchyard becomes a mass of snowdrops. Why or how they came to be here on such a scale I don't know. But I do know they make a spectacular sight.

Of course judging when to best time to visit is can be difficult. However, one of my neighbours has a lovely display in their front garden each year and by mid January they were in full bloom and so I decided it was time to visit Lamberhurst. however, I was in for a disappointment.

Having arrived at Lamberhurst the scene that greeted me was not a sea of snowdrops but a dull barren winter churchyard scene. For one moment I wondered if some catastrophe had overtaken the snowdrops since my previous visit, but eventually came to the conclusion that my visit was far too early. When I'd been here three years earlier it had been at the end of February. I can only assume that the conditions in my neighbour's garden were different for snowdrops than at Lamberhurst. So I took a few photos anyway and then moved on.



Scotney Castle

My next stop was Scotney Castle which is a National Trust property located not far from Lamberhust. It boasts a beautiful garden and ruined castle but to be honest I didn't really expect it to be open at this time of the year. But nonetheless it was handy as somewhere to pause for a while, use the "facilities" and get some more photos.

This turned out to be the case but even so there was access to enough of the estate to make it worthwhile and take some photos.

After this it was getting towards time to get home. But on the way I stopped for a while in one of my favourite places - Ashdown Forest. I stopped for a while at Gill's Lap which is high on the Northern slope of the forest. Live many sites in the area it is associated with the Winnie the Pooh stories of A A Milne, who lived close to the forest.

Gills Lap, Ashdown Forest

There is a memorial to him and his illustrator at Gill's Lap and it was nice to spend a while here just enjoying the peace of the place. All too soon it was time to head home but I took with me a good feeling about the day, in spite of not having seen a single snowdrop.

So, with 2012 well and truly established, was I any further out of the closet? The answer has to be yes, of course but it was nowhere near enough for me. I'd been out in public much more than before and this included a busy town centre high street. But all the same, I knew there was more to be done.

I'll return to this in due course.



Thank you for reading this

Susan XXX











Two Days in Great Company

A Day Out in Guildford

One of the nicest features of the transgender community lies in some of the lovely and interesting people you get in touch with, one way or another. It's probably not altogether surprising that in these contacts you find those with similar interests to yourself, outside of course the rather complex business of being a trans woman.

For me most of these contacts have been made as a result of my presence on the photo sharing site Flickr. I've maintained my own account there for the past few years and I've been lucky to make some good friends as a result. One such contact is Amanda Parnell, a fellow trans woman from the North of England. Amanda shares a love of visiting the many varied and interesting place our country has to offer. In particular we have an interest in our Cathedrals.

Recently in the course of correspondence we agreed that when the opportunity arose we should meet and visit a cathedral together. Almost immediately such an opportunity arose and after discussing where to go, we agreed to meet in the town of Guildford in Surrey and visit its 20th century cathedral.

It has to be said that both of us prefer medieval Gothic when it comes to church architecture. Guildford cathedral on the other hand is very much a product of the 20th century. The diocese was created in 1927 out of the ancient diocese of Winchester. At first a local church was used as the cathedral, but it was soon resolved to build a new one for the new diocese. The site selected was Stag Hill which is located about a mile to the North-West of the town centre.

The foundation stone was laid in 1936 and work progressed well up until the outbreak of World War II. Then all building work stopped until the early 1950s. Even with the end of the war in 1945 there were greater priorities for building materials. By the time work was able to re-start the original budget of £250,000 had jumped to nearly £1 million. However, an ingenious fund raising scheme whereby members of the public were invited to buy individual bricks at 2/6 (12.5p) each was well received and eventually the cathedral was completed. It was consecrated in 1961, although fund raising was not completed until 1968.

Amanda and I started our tour in the refectory with a nice cup of coffee before moving on to the cathedral proper. Although very much a building of the 20th century, I was immediately struck by its medieval proportions. In the middle ages cathedrals were deliberately built on a huge scale as a way of overwhelming the members of the congregation. So Guildford Cathedral too presented itself on a huge and cavernous scale, although the use of modern materials gave it a softer appearance.

The only thing that marred our visit was the presence of a huge amount of scaffolding in the choir and sanctuary. This meant that the high alter and surrounding fitments were wrapped in protective covering, not that we would have been able to get near to them anyway. It was explained to us that this was a result of cleaning work being carried out during the summer. Indeed, some of the dirt being removed was a result of the cathedral standing half built for 16 years World War II.

Amanda and I found the staff were very friendly, especially a husband and wife team who took in upon themselves to explain the history of the building. It was clear that they both had a love for their work and such friendliness to us helped make our visit.

Having seen the interior it was time to tour the outside of the cathedral.Although nowhere near as decorated as its medieval equivalent, the exterior does feature a number of modern sculptures, the most interesting of which was the Gilded Angel on top of the tower. Apparently this sculpture has a telecommunications aerial inside it and the income from its owners helps towards the upkeep of the building. In my working life I saw a number of such aerials on church buildings, but never one as well appointed and striking as this one.



The South Doors - Guildford Cathedral

Another feature we found interesting was the South Door. In fact this consists of two pairs of bronze doors set a few feet apart. The left hand pair have six views depicting typical women's roles and are balanced by six male roles on the right hand pair. Quite what today's gender activists would make of this can only be imagined. But the cathedral guide does recognise the such roles were less well defined by the time they were completed in the 1960s.

At the East end of the cathedral is a huge wooden cross. This was originally erected on Stag Hill in 1933 to mark the future site of the building. The original location is marked inside on the floor. The cross was made from timbers recovered from HMS Ganges. This was a Royal Navy second rate ship of the line built in 1821 and finally broken up in 1930.



Amanda and Susan at Guildford Cathedral

It was near here that we paused for some photography. As well as the usual stills, Amanda wanted to shoot one of her "Where am I?" videos. These are proving popular on Flickr and invariably they tend to be close to various cathedrals. This time however she had the assistance of me as her camerawoman.

Amanda's usual method is to shoot a number of videos and then select the best for uploading to Flickr, bearing in mind their 1.5 minute limit. With the first one "in the can" we went for take two. At this point, however the screen went blank. The battery was exhausted! Fortunately, as it turned out, the video we had was within the time limit and was a good one.

So, with our tour of the cathedral coming to an end it was time to move on to the rest of the day. Amanda had to be away from Guildford by late afternoon but this left us a couple of hours so we headed to the town centre for something to eat and a spot of shopping. The town centre wasn't too far away, but with the cathedral on top of a hill the idea of struggling back up there afterwards wasn't too appealing and so we drove into town.

After coffee and a bite to eat we toured the shops, although the rain did its best to dampen things. To add to this my umbrella finally broke but not before warding off some of the damp stuff. Priority at the shops was a new battery for Amanda's camera. There was nothing wrong with the other one apart from being flat, but it is always a good idea to have a spare.

There were other stops we both wanted to make but all too soon it was time to head back to let Amanda leave for her evening engagement. On the way back to the car the sky was alive with thunder and lightning, so perhaps our timing was fortuitous. It had been a lovely day and nice to meet Amanda at last. As trans women we have of course something special in common. But it's all the nicer when you share other interests too. Hopefully we'll be able to do this again soon.

Another Femesque Cheese and Wine Party

Five days after my Guildford trip was the latest Femesque cheese and wine party. I've written about these before and the take place roughly every six weeks. They are held at Femesque's premises in Aldershot and hosted always by their proprietress, the lovely Lynne. The enthusiasm and genuine affection for the TG community shown by Lynne and her staff always ensure that you have a lovely time.




Enjoying the Sunshine

I had travelled there dressed, as usual but had arranged to have my makeup done for the evening. On the way I stopped for shopping and refreshments. Also, to kill a little time I parked up for a while for some outdoor photos.

There's an awful lot of military land in the Aldershot area which is not surprising as it is the home of the British army. Much of it is used for training purposes but at the same time, they do try and open up as much as is possible for public use. There is one place not far from Femesque which is a car park on heathland which is very popular for dog walkers and those just wanting access to the countryside. And of course it's a handy place for a girl to while away a bit of spare time and take a few photos.

The weather was very good this day and I took full advantage of it and ran off some photos and even a few short videos. Whether or not I publish the videos remains to be seen. But here is one of the photos I took.

I arrived at Femesque earlier than usual as I had arranged for my favourite wig to have a wash and blow dry. Of course this is something that can be done at home but to sit in the chair in the salon and have it washed, dried and styled with the wig in situ is something that just has to be experienced.

Poor Lynne had forgotten about my hair appointment and was rather surprised to see me so early. She and her staff do work so hard on these evenings and she was dashing around getting everything ready for us. Soon though I was in the salon chair having my hair done. As soon as she was finished it was off to the make up room and I was in the hands of Claire to have my evening warpaint applied.

Applying make up is something that trans women have to learn and it usually happens later in life than for a woman who is Female at Birth (FAB). Girls will experiment with make up just as soon as they're allowed to and by the time they're old enough to wear it out in the world they've usually become quite proficient at it. But for us it's a learning curve and a great way of doing this is to let an expert make you up and learn from their methods.

Claire has done mine on a number of occasions but I never fail to pick up little tips. This time she offered and I accepted a pair of false eyelashes. I've only worn them once before and that was at a dressing service a few years ago. They always have a dramatic effect on your appearance and whilst I'd never wear them for ordinary daytime trips out, evenings are a different matter. But applying them is not an easy task and so far I've never tried it. So it was nice to wear them again and have them expertly applied.




The Finished Product

Anyone who's ever worn false eyelashes will know that the worst bit is keeping your eyes closed for several minutes after they're put on to allow the glue to set. So there you are with these miniature caterpillars stuck to your eyelids and trying to avoid the natural desire to blink. But I managed it, only to to have to have them removed and done a second time as one of them refuse to stick. Once you do open your eyes it's rather like waking up in the morning after a heavy night's sleep. In other words both sets of eyelids are stuck together and you really need to help them open with your fingers.

But we got there and the results were delightful and apart from the fact they dusted the back of my glasses every time I blinked I wasn't really aware I had them on. Taking them off when I took my make up off at home was quite easy and I can assure you quite painless. I now have them safely stored and waiting for the day when I have a go at putting them on by myself.

So, fairly soon Claire had finished her magic and I was ready for the evening. With my hairdo freshly done and my makeup expertly applied I felt pretty good. The evening itself was as enjoyable as ever with lots of chat with plenty of lovely girls. Lynne and her team always ensure you have a wonderful time and it's impossible for me to leave without feeling that extra special glow.

The following day I had a lunch meeting with some old friends and Susan wasn't to be a part of it. After feeling so at home in my female role the previous day it felt difficult to leave it behind the following morning, even if it was to spend the day with good friends. But then being transgendered is never straightforward and we all have to learn how to cope with this rather unusual lifestyle of ours.

Thank you for reading this,

Susan XXX

Retrospect - Leaving the Closet Behind -2

Next Steps.........

After the excitement and activities of November, the rest of the year was very quiet. Looking back, it would appear that after my day out at Winkworth with Jane, I only had two more trips out before the end of the year.

The first of these was the Femesque Christmas party in the second week of December. As is always the case I travelled there as Susan, having my makeup done again for the evening. That's always a lovely treat to have someone else make you up. However, the day seemed to start and continue with a series of mishaps. For the occasion I'd decided to give one of my favourite LBDs (Little Black Dress) an outing. To make it more special I'd obtained a petticoat for it to try and give it more volume. What's more, I'd treated myself to a black corselette and a pair of seamed stockings. I'm not usually big on foundation wear and in fact hardly ever wear stockings, preferring tights. But this felt like a special occasion and so I felt it was worth the effort. In fact I was to find that seamed stockings are rather difficult to buy in the high street but in the end I knew it was worth the bother.

So, come the day of the party I was dressed and made up and ready to leave home. At this point one of the suspenders decide to break. I wasn't totally surprised as the stockings had proved to be too short for the suspenders, or maybe it was the other way round. But whatever the case Plan A had failed. Plan B consisted of getting out of the corselette and donning a pair of black seamed tights that I had bought, just in case. However, in the process of putting on these not inexpensive replacements, I put my fingers through one of the feet. By now I was getting angry and had to resort to Plan C. This was a pair of cheap, black non-seamed supermarket tights of the sort I wear for everyday use. Needless to say these went on easily with no further mishaps.

So, having got over this I headed off for Aldershot. I should mention here that it wasn't a particularly nice day, weather-wise and so I was wearing my brand new red coat. I had it in mind to stop at Godalming on the way and perhaps do a bit of shopping. However, as I pulled into the car park a woman came up to my car and informed me that my coat belt was hanging out of the door. And so it was, soaking wet and covered in the mud and road dirt of some twenty miles of driving. So, one brand new coat (dry clean only) with a muddy belt.


Somehow this took the shine off proceedings and I decided to head on to Aldershot. Once there I popped into a local supermarket to get some money for the evening. But I was still left with some time to kill so I headed for a nearby garden centre for a wander around.

Readers outside of the UK may wonder what the attraction of a garden centre is, especially in deepest December. However, these places are more than just a shop that sells garden supplies. In fact most of the bigger ones are like mini shopping centres selling a wide range of gifts and other items. The one I visited on this day was one such establishment, and their range included pets, food gifts and a large restaurant.




Christmas Party Girl

So, it was lovely just to wander and look at all the items on sale and with my self confidence growing all the time. The pets corner was a particular treat. After all, who can resist fluffy little animals. Sadly though, when it came to the restaurant I found myself standing at the entrance unable to go any further. Clearly my self confidence still needed some attention.

After this it was on to Femesque when the lovely proprietress, Lynne, took pity on my muddy coat belt and cleaned it for me. I had my doubts at first but thankfully she was able to bring it up as good as new without resorting to the dry cleaners. It was then time for the makeup chair and for the lovely Michelle to work her magic. The results can be seen in this photo, here. By this time I'd added my petticoat to my dress and it really gave it a feeling of volume.

I'd also tried to change my shoes for the evening. I'd brought a pair of strappy sandals along but when I got them out of the car I found that I had an odd pair. So I was left having to rely on the pair I'd been wearing all day. Yet another of the day's mishaps but this one was thankfully the last. But whatever the case we all had a lovely evening in some wonderful company.

Blown away in Eastbourne

The only remaining outing for 2011 was a few days later when I visited the Eastbourne area of East Sussex. Looking back I can't really remember why I went there, other than maybe to get some photos on the seafront. In the end that's all I did. The photo here shows me leaning on the railings and what might look like a clear, dry sunny day. That's a fair description and indeed if it wasn't for my obvious winter coat you might think it wasn't a week before mid-winter. Perhaps the state of my hair is a clue because the wind was blowing off the sea something rotten. In fact this is one of the few photos I took that are presentable enough to publish.



Yes, it IS windy!

For those of you who know Eastbourne this was taken close to the the Wish Tower - the Martello Tower on Eastbourne sea-front. Behind me is Eastbourne Pier and if the sea doesn't look too bad I can assure you it was rough and definitely not a day for a paddle. I wasn't parked too far away but by the time I reached my car I found that my wig had been blown to one side and wasn't far from leaving altogether. That's the first time it's happened to me and I'm determined to make sure it's the last. So, that about wrapped it up for Eastbourne as far as I was concerned. The town has an excellent shopping centre but at this time I still wasn't ready to take Susan there. That was to come later.

Instead I drove up to Beachy Head with the idea of perhaps taking some photos up there. Beachy Head is a headland over 500 feet in height and is where the chalk hills of the South Downs meets the English Channel. On a fine calm day it's a wonderful place the enjoy the scenery. But not on a windy day and quite why I thought it might be otherwise is beyond me. After the strong winds I'd just experienced at sea level in Eastbourne, I could hardly expect it to be any better up on the Downs. In the event, the wind was so strong I had great difficulty in getting the car door open.  I had intended to use the ladies whilst there but by now I realised that my hair-do would be blown away completely if I dared to venture out of the car. So I headed on down to Birling Gap where there was a little shelter and I used the facilities there.



Bring on the Snow!

By now my day at the seaside was looking decidedly ill-advised, but then what else do you expect in the depth of an English winter? It was time to head inland and the first stop was East Dean, a village about a mile inland from Birling Gap. I wanted a photo for use as a Christmas greeting and hoped I would find a suitable site here. In the event I found an ideal spot outside the parish church and one of the photos is shown here. Somehow it would have looked more seasonal if there was snow all around rather than bright sunshine. On the other hand I doubt I would have been there under such circumstances.




Winter in the Cuckmere Valley

From East Dean my journey home took me past the Seven Sisters Country Park at Cuckmere Haven. Here there is a car park alongside one of the river meanders and I felt an ideal place for some photos. And so it was and one of them can be seen here. In spite of the bright sky it was still a windy winter's day, but I always feel that even in the deepest winter, there is still beauty to enjoy in our countryside.


The last part of my journey home took me past the garden centre near Ashdown Forest I had visited in November. Being close to Christmas I knew the displays would be seasonal and I just fancied a stroll around. It was a nice way to end what had been a windy, but enjoyable visit to the seaside and other parts of Sussex.

This was to be my last outing as Susan for the 2011 and it's worth considering where I was by now. At the end of the summer I had become very frustrated by my reluctance to venture into the outside proper when out and go to more public places. So, had I made any progress since then? The straightforward answer has to be "yes", as my writings in these blogs undoubtedly show. I had started going to places where there would be contact with the public and in this I had received help from some fabulous friends.

But the old frustrations remained and I knew there was much more to do. 2012 was going to require some serious thought and deeds.

Thank you for reading this

Susan XXX