Retrospect - Summer & Autumn 2011 - Travels with my Closet



30th June, 2011 - Didling, West Sussex

Summer 2011 was a typical British one with some hot days interspersed with a load of pretty indifferent ones. I managed to get out on a few occasions in female mode, usually on Femesque party days. I got into the routine of leaving home dressed and spending the day traveling across country to Aldershot, where they are based. On the way I would take in a picnic lunch and make sure of some good photo opportunities.

Usually, although I was fully made up for the journey I would remove it on arrival at Femesque and then have my evening face done for me. It's probably unnecessary but there's nothing like sitting back and having your makeup done for you. I really got to enjoy these days but at the back of my mind I knew that I was getting nowhere with my ambition to go out and about in the real world to anyplace I would happily go in male mode. As I remarked to a friend at the time, I hadn't so much escaped from the closet but rather I was taking it with me on my travels.



11th August, 2011 - Woolbeding Common
West Sussex

Although my photos from the summer might give the impression of a woman who was happily going wherever she wanted. The reality was I always took great care to avoid coming into contact with anyone else, sometimes to the point of paranoia. I remember one occasion when I quickly packed my camera and tripod away simply because a car pulled up in the same car park about 100 yards away. Clearly, I couldn't let this state of affairs continue.

By the time the autumn came I was actively seeking advice from other girls who I knew were going to the sort of places I wish I could. That was to put into effect a train of events that eventually saw me getting out and about in the way I wanted to.

There will be more to come in this subject soon, but next time I'll be relating the story of the coming week when I'm going to be spending some time with some good friends.

Susan XXX



22nd September, 2011 - The Moat
Thursley Common, Surrey





Retrospect - Spring 2011 - The Highs and Low of being a TGirl

Widemouth Bay, Cornwall

By the spring of 2011 I felt that things were going quite well and that with my new image I was well on the well to achieving the goals I had set myself previously. What were those goals? Quite simply I wanted to do as many of the things I do in male mode but as Susan.

Of course the danger is that when the pink mist is in front of your eyes there's a strong chance that you feel you've achieved much more than you have in reality. So it was that I came down to earth with a bump.

I usually have a holiday in Cornwall each year and 2011 was to be no exception. Although I would be going in male mode as usual, thoughts had been turning to the possibility of spending a little bit of time there as Susan. In addition. I'd become friends online with a girl living in the West Country and I approached her with the idea of meeting up for a day. Although there are a number of very active TG communities on the Internet, I've always found it to be very difficult to establish good genuine friendships. The girl in the West Country was one of those few exceptions and I felt I was building a friendship that was valuable.

Her response was that she would like to meet up and suggested a Saturday shopping trip to a major town centre. I was horrified! The idea of being out in such a busy place was something I would never consider and it began to bring home to me how limited my horizons were. I wrote back asking to meet somewhere less public and she agreed, making some suggestions. But what worried me was that she didn't seem to understand my reaction. By this time I felt that the matter was in danger of putting a strain on our friendship so I decided to call off the meeting on this occasion.

(I was to discover much later that my friend had gained the impression from photos I had published that I was getting out and about to many public places. This was incorrect and although it had never been my intention to give the wrong impression I discovered on this occasion how easy it was to do so. The good news is that our friendship endured and later on we did have our meeting and day out together - in a major shopping area. That I could now do this was in part largely due to her help and encouragement. So at the time I had been right about one thing, her friendship was indeed valuable.)

Sadly though at the time I was left wondering about my status as a TGirl and wishing that the whole thing would just go away. At times it can be quite alarming how rapidly you can go from feeling on top of the world as a TGirl to being down in the pits. It is true though that there were other things going on in the rest of my life that were pulling me down and although I didn't realise it I was very tired. Just how tired I was didn't really show until I arrived in Cornwall at the start of my holiday.

I'd left home in the early morning and arrived on Dartmoor absolutely whacked. But this particular day the moor was in one of her benevolent moods with some gorgeous sunny weather. I spent most of the day there just lapping up the lovely weather and scenery. Finding a group of Dartmoor Ponies and photographing them seemed to have a therapeutic effect. By the end of the day I was still tired but somehow refreshed. The rest of my holiday proceeded well although strangely enough on the second Saturday, which was the day I would have been meeting my friend, I went down with a nasty head cold. It laid me low for all of the day but by the next day I felt well enough to travel to Taunton to watch some cricket with a friend. What I didn't know then was just how much this town was going to figure in my development as a woman in the coming year.

The following day, (Monday) I was feeling well enough for a full day out, but sadly it was the last of my holiday. I had brought with me a set of clothes to have a day dressed if I wanted to. As I was running out of time I decided it had to be now. It wasn't possible to fully change where I was staying so most of it, including my makeup had to be done in the car. I'm never keen on this but in this case needs must. The day was another perfect one and I was able to enjoy a drive around the North Cornwall coast but this time in my preferred gender. The photo above is one I took overlooking Widemouth Bay.

By the end of this brief excursion I felt back on top of things again. But I was still fooling myself if I thought I was really getting out and about. This state of affairs was to persist for some time before I was able to break out of it and really get out as a woman.

More next time.......

Susan XXX

Retrospect - January 2011 - Fabuliss, Cheese and Wine

Femesque Cheese & Wine Party

With my new wig and a hopefully improved knowledge of makeup, I was looking forward to a pair of social events in the forthcoming days. Fist of these was a meeting of Fabuliss in Liphook, Hampshire on 12th January.

Coming only two days after my makeup tuition I was rather nervous about letting the new "me" onto an unsuspecting world. There was also the matter of an earlier trip to Fabuliss when I told myself I would never go back. This had been about a year earlier and it had been the first such event anywhere that I'd been to. But as if often the case when you're someone "new", you can sit there for ages and no-one wants to know you. It's all the worse if you're shy like me and find making conversation with strangers difficult. In my experience this happens in all walks of life and not only in the TG world. Anyway, after about a couple of hours of this I'd had enough and left, and I was quite convinced I'd never be back.

Since then, however, Fabuliss had been suspended for several months due to the ill-health of one of the organisers, Linda. But now she was back and everyone was looking forward to a new year. On this occasion I'd arranged to meet up with my friend Jane, who I'd met before and two other girls, Trudy and Adele. I hadn't met either before but we'd been in contact a lot on the Internet so I was looking forward to meeting them. So for me it seemed the right time to give it another go.

In fact it was a terrific evening in some great company. Trudy had come along with her wife and there was plenty of interesting conversation. I left at the end of it looking forward to many more such evenings. Sadly though, it wasn't to be. I was unable to get to the meeting in February and then future meetings were postponed. Linda's illness had returned and in spite of a brave fight, she passed away in October of that year. Her partner, Natasha, who was the other person behind Fabuliss felt she didn't want to carry on with Fabuliss and so it was wound up.

Two weeks later was my first Cheese & Wine Party at Femesque. These take the form of a house party hosted by Lynne, who runs Femesque and her colleagues. As well as the party, various services are available such as changing facilities, wardrobe and makeup. I always travel to these events dressed but like to have my makeup done for the evening. As well as knowing it's going to look right, it's always a treat to sit back and receive the attentions of a makeup artist.

It was such a pleasant evening with lots of chat on so many different subject and not all related to being TG. Sadly, before I knew it coffee was being handed around and it soon time to head home. I looked forward to many more like this and I wasn't to be disappointed. But that's a subject for another time.

More soon

Lots of love

Susan XXX

Retrospect - 10th January 2011 - Femesque Makeup Lesson

"After"

One good thing about going out for a makeup lesson was that I didn't have to worry about doing my face before leaving home. Of course I put a little powder and lipstick on otherwise I wouldn't feel properly dressed.

The lesson was given by one of Femesque's staff, Nicky. Her method was to make up one half of my face, clearly explaining what she was doing in the process, and then get me to do the other half by myself. It's rather strange sitting there with one half of your face perfectly made up and the other half, well, as nature has deemed it to be!

But under Nicky's instruction I managed eventually to balance both sides up. The photo on this blog was one of several taken soon afterwards and to say I was delighted with my appearance would be an understatement. It's at times like this that you start to see the woman you've always desired to be begin to emerge.

Perhaps a few words about makeup would be appropriate at this point. Female at Birth (FaB) women tend to learn about makeup over a long period whereas Trans Women are usually thrown into the deep end later in life. But all of us develop our own preferences for types/bands of cosmetics and ways of applying them. What follows here are my own ideas and are offered as no more than that. I'm always interested in the choices of others and I'm prepared to learn along the way. I've noticed at Femesque that different members of staff use their own methods of application and I've altered my own techniques based on what I've seen.

I always start with a moisturiser - this seems to be a universal recommendation and as well as softening the skin, it helps to prevent absorption of the applied makeup. Before going to Femesque I'd never really thought about a beard cover. I've heard much for and against it's usage but having used it and seen how easy it is to apply I always use it when going out. It does seem very effective in removing any trace of beard, in my case, but more importantly it gives me extra confidence.

Foundation is a subject that everyone seems to have different views on. I have a fairly greasy skin and so keeping the shine off has always been uppermost in my mind. At Femesque they favour the use of TV Pan Stick and although there's no doubting the effectiveness of its cover, it does feel very heavy on my face, especially after prolonged use. So after a lot of trial and error for everyday makeup I use Max Factor Lasting Performance usually in Soft Beige or Fair. Along with a translucent fixing powder I find it gives me the cover and shine prevention I need.

Another area I might well differ from other girls is in lip colouring. At Femesque they always use lip liner and then lip paints to colour them in. I'm probably rather lazy but I prefer lipsticks for general use. I find them so convenient to use and of course re-apply to keep my lips looking good throughout they day. The colour shade I use depends on my outfit and to some extent my mood. But then changing your shade to meet the occasion is one of the real fun things about being a woman.

So, those are some of my views and of course I haven't cover everything. Rather they are some observations on my current thinking. I'm always ready to learn more and of course discuss all aspects of being a trans woman with anyone who wants to.

That's it for now, more to come in due course.

Lots of Love

Susan XXX

Retrospect - 6th January 2011 - Femesque Visit

"Before"

Although I've visited TG suppliers/dressing services before, there's always a sense of trepidation when going anywhere to meet people in your adopted gender. Added to this was the knowledge that I was seeking a new image and as I was unhappy with my current one I knew it could well end up being criticised. I wasn't to be disappointed!

Femesque is run by a lovely lady called Lynne who I've grown to have a lot of respect for. However, she took one look at my wig and told me is was horrible and that it didn't suit me one bit. She also said that my makeup was all wrong, but more of that later.

Of course I could have easily taken offence at a de-construction like this, but I had gone there to seek a new image and the sensible thing to do was to sit back and learn.

Lynne proceeded to try of a variety of different wigs and various styles and colours until we arrived at one we were both happy with. Although she was very much the expert I felt that I was involved with the choice at all times. Then came the best part, cutting and trimming the wig to suit me personally.

Lynne must have spent a good 20 minutes doing this and not only did her expertise become clear, but the fact that she cares deeply about her work was also very obvious. At the end of it I had a new hairstyle that I was delighted with. In the meantime Lynne had called in her colleague Nicky to give my makeup skills the "once over". The verdict was that I needed some instruction and I was offered Femesque's makeup training course, which I decided to take.

So, I left there with my new wig, and makeup course booked for the following week and I also booked in for their next Cheese & Wine Party in late January.

Susan XXX

Revival Time???

Oh dear! I started this blog about 18 months ago, and then ..... Nothing!

It always seems a good idea at the time but the actual effort of writing and posting articles often results in, well, nothing. But life in the meantime has moved on. In January 2011 my transgender life was at a low ebb. I despaired of ever getting near to being the woman I dreamed of being. But nonetheless the dream and desire was still there.

So, I knew it was time to do something about it. So, the first thing to do was get someone to sort my image out, and in particular my hair. And so, in early January I phoned Femesque in Aldershot to arrange for a new wig fitting.

More to come.........

Susan